To Prepare For Your Hospital Experience

Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to examine you using his weed applicator.

Drink a quart of paint, one-coat coverage, eggshell flat white. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.

Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."

Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square-head) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

Remove all food from the house that is recognizable and actual tastes good.

With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat-hangar and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall, while wearing your bath-robe backwards and holding it closed in the back.

[ Author Unknown -- thanks James, 'Lab Laughs' (LABLaughsClean@topica.com) -- Ed:Anon. ]