Toasters

"HumorPower" a few years ago announced a humor writing contest for its subscribers. The challenge was to write funny lines on the theme:
*If ______ made toasters?*  Here are the Winners & Honerable Mentions:

1. First Place Winner If financial planners made toasters, the bread would pop up and down but turn out just fine in 5 ? 10 years. (Nancy Lininiger)
   
   
2. Second Place If Social Security made toasters, we would worry if there would be enough people to put bread in when we want toast out. (Terry Wall)
   
   
3. Third Place (tie) If telemarketers made toasters, they would ONLY work in the middle of your dinner. (Bob Minott)
   
   
4. Third Place (tie) If Mohammad made toasters, they would be for prophet. (Sharon Janis)
   
   
5. Honorable Mention (in random order)
   
   
6. If casino moguls made toasters you would put in two slices of bread and get back one.
   
   
7. If Wyle E. Coyote made toasters they would char the the user instead of the bread.
   
   
8. If bread made toasters, they would sell them as *portable tanning salons*.
   
   
9. If Cinderella made a toaster at 12 pm it would turn into a deluxe oven.
   
   
10. If Britney Spears made a toaster it would be made of plastic.
    
    
11. If Bob Barker made a toaster the price would be right.
    
    
12. If CPAs made toasters, every crumb would count.
    
    
13. If cats made toasters, the bread would come out only when it wanted to.
    
    
14. If Al Gore made toasters, he would claim to have invented them.
    
    
15. If Martha Stewart made toasters they would be a good thing.
    
    
16. If Harley Davidson made toasters, they would be noisy and expensive and need frequent repairs, and only the coolest people would buy them.
    
    
17. If Microsoft made toasters, the first year they would cost $5000, but every year after a better one would come out for half the price and half the size of the previous year - everyone would buy one - and by 2010 we would have personal, hand-held toasters that we could not live without!
    
    
18. If Baptists made toasters they'd all be waterproof -- for total immersion.
    
    
19. If Barbie made toasters they would be labeled: Toast goes in here.
    
    
20. If Kellogg made toasters they would snap, crackle and pop
    
    
21. If the military made toasters they would have a 100 year surplus in warehouses throughout the country.
    
    
22. If an OB clinic made toasters they would take 9 months to toast an 8 pound loaf of bread
    
    
23. If Q (from Bond Movies) made toasters they would look like something else and they would explode in the wrong hands.
    
    
24. If the US Airways baggage handlers made toasters, your toast would end up in Cleveland.
    
    
25. If Las Vegas made toasters, you'd have to put in a LOT of bread before any came back.
    
    
26. If the Mafia made toasters you would have to give them your bread or you*re toast.
    
    
27. If military contractors made toasters, they would coast $18,000 each, weigh 172 pounds, and burn the toast EVERY TIME!

[ Author Unknown -- from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]