Welfare Application Goofs

Sentences taken from actual
letters received by the Toronto
welfare department, from
applications for aid and assistance.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.
   
   
2. I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
   
   
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
   
   
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?
   
   
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
   
   
6. This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
   
   
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.
   
   
8. I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
   
   
9. In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
   
   
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
    
    
11. My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
    
    
12. Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
    
    
13. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?
    
    
14. I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.
    
    
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
    
    
16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.
    
    
17. It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident.
    
    
18. Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful.
    
    
19. I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.
    
    
20. Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.
    
    
21. I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.
    
    
22. Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same....

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]