The Heart Cry Of A Bruised Spirit...

Many years ago I came to a turning point in my Christian walk. Up until then I had been very bitter towards God because I was alone and wanted desperately to be married and have someone to share my life with. I was so angry with God. I couldn't understand how He could claim to be a Loving Father and still allow me to go on being alone and miserable especially when it was within his power to change my situation over night. How could He stand by and see me suffer, watch my heart break as I saw my friends one by one all marry and start families of their own. It became more than I could bear. How could He do this to me? Didn't He see how I ached inside, how I hurt? My heart was broken, my spirit crushed, I had no hope for the future.

What I did have however was a distorted view of God. I felt as if He was withholding a mate from me because I wanted one so badly. It was as if He were saying to me, "See, I'll give all of your friends husbands and children but not you, you're not worthy, you’re not good enough. You don't deserve a mate." I was truly at a crossroads in my walk with the Lord. I wasn't sure it was worth it all. I'd tried to serve Him the best I knew how and yet He wouldn't even do this one small thing for me. Why? Didn't He promise to meet all of my needs; how could He be so cruel?

I remember one night in particular, my loneliness and desperation were just too much for me. I couldn't take it anymore. I remember crying out to the Lord that night, "God why? How could you allow this to happen to me? Can't you see how lonely I am? Don't you care about how I’m hurting inside? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you refusing me the one thing I need to make my life complete? And if you're never going to give it to me, then why won't you take away this desire so that I can go on with my life? Please God help me!" I remember looking up and shouting to Him, "I'm mad at you, God!" When what I really wanted to say to Him was, "I hate you God," but just didn't have the nerve.

I wish I could tell you that the answer to my cry was immediate and that the next day I was merrily on my way serving the Lord again, but it didn't happen that way. The answer was slow, but sure. Still, healing came. God is faithful. He overlooked my apparent temper tantrum and saw it for what it was--the heart cry of a bruised spirit, a spirit that was being eaten up by bitterness, resentment and envy. But thank God that His word says, "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out..."The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Matthew 12:20; Psalm 51:17)

I came close to turning my back on the one person who cared about me the most. I was so desperately longing for a love of my own, someone to care for, to cherish, and yet I was so blind not to see that I already had someone --in Christ. For no love can ever compare with the love that Jesus gives. He is the only one who can fill the hunger, the need, the craving in our hearts to be loved. Only Jesus.

I imagine that there are other singles who feel the same way that I did then, frustrated, angry, bitter and resentful towards God because of their loneliness, their aloneness. I know that there are a lot of married people who are lonely too, and that there are things much worse than being single. But empty platitudes like that don't help when your heart is broken and bleeding because of unfulfilled love. The only thing that will help is a heart-to-heart encounter with the Living Word of God. That's what helped for me. My healing only came after I was willing to confess my bitterness towards God, admit my feelings of frustration and envy, and face the possibility that I may always be single. It was then and only then that forgiveness, love and acceptance came, and I was able to look beyond my apparent lack, and see my abundance in Christ.

I don't know now what the future does or doesn’t hold for me, marriage or singleness, but one thing I do know is--I am complete in Christ, my satisfaction and happiness lie in Him, and pleasing Him and seeing Him glorified in my life are all that matters now.

© 1986 by Dot McGinnis

Editor: Dot McGinnis is a poet and published author from Pennsylvania.

[ by: Dot McGinnis Copyright © 1986 -- submitted by: Dot McGinnis ]