The Vacuum

Vacuuming my house is something I most often leave to the fine-tuned domestic capabilities of my wife. She will actually use the hose to clean corners and reach cracks and crevices that I wouldn't even think of trying to get. My philosophy is that if you absolutely must vacuum, just get to the main part of the carpet and give it a quick once over - if you can't trip over it, it must be clean.

I have owned my share of mischievous vacuum cleaners over the years. There have been the ones that gargle with little pieces of metal or debris left behind by children who just happen to enjoy the sound of a vacuum cleaner beating itself up. Once it gets to the velocity of a jet engine, it shoots the metal piece across the room causing "Fluffy" the cat to forfeit another life. I've also had the vacuum cleaner that found an almost imperceptible frayed bit of carpet. It latches onto that bit and unravels the carpet until the entire carpet is wrapped around the innards of the vacuum while it wheezes with indigestion.

Then there's the finicky vacuum - this one picks up an item, taste it and determines it is not fit for consumption and summarily spits it to the side. I have stooped to pick up that bit of something and attempt to refeed it to the vacuum, who has already tasted and found it to be nothing short of disgusting. You'd think I'd learn, if the vacuum doesn't like something on the floor, there is no amount of coaxing that I can do to convince it to take it (Reminds me of my son).

Invariably the manufacturers of these demented machines make the electric cable one foot too short. Why, there was even a time when I spent valuable time trying to locate a new electric outlet that would allow me to vacuum that one square foot of space. Since then, I just forget about the electrical outlet, and simply pick up the big pieces while brushing my hands together declaring that "it is good".

One other thing I have learned about vacuums is that they only behave when the salesman is demonstrating them. As soon as you make a commitment to the little beast, it figures that it already won you over so what's the point in being on their best behavior?

I guess there have been times I've been a lot like a vacuum cleaner. I was on my best behavior before marriage. However, once I had a commitment from my wife, I suddenly acted as if it didn't matter how I behaved. I could stop short of my best because I had nothing more to prove. I mean, I already won my bride - so why bother?

There are other guys out there that have done the same thing, so you can quit looking at your screen as if you've never heard such foolishness.

As the years go by, we all need to learn that we need to be honest about our failings and then work hard to be the best vacuum cleaners (men) we can be in our respective homes.

After all, when we got married we came with a lifetime guarantee oh, and don't forget those promises about loving, cherishing, honoring, being faithful and eating your mother-in-law's cooking.

- Glenn A. Hascall -

[ by: Glenn A. Hascall Copyright © 2003 ( -- submitted by Glenn Hascall ]


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