God How Can You Use Me
In The Condition I'm In?
"God how can you use me in the condition I'm in?" I have asked that
question more than once in my life.
It was a hot summer day; I tried filling it to capacity. Despite
being a young mother of four active children I still found time that
morning to take in a round of golf with the girls. The afternoon was
spent with my kids at the local recreation club to which we belong. I worked
at perfecting my diving skills while the kids splashed and played,
soaking up the sun's penetrating rays. The late afternoon and
evening, we spent at the ball field where our oldest son played
Little League baseball.
I noticed dizziness and a blurring of my vision but brushed it off
thinking I had just over done in the heat of the day. Over the next
weeks the symptoms only worsened and I was hospitalized and given the
diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.
That conclusion was reached over thirty years ago. I was less than
happy with the verdict but did not let it defeat me. I have never
really blamed anything or anyone for the sentence that was doled out
to me that day. I did question what the revenge of such a disease
would mostly mean and what were my options for treatment. I then
decided to live my life the best I could in spite of the likely
conclusions I was apt to face.
I have never been able to understand how people can blame God turning
against Him blaming Him for the misfortunes that come to their lives.
It's in the valleys of my life that I need God the most. He is where
I draw my strength. I'm not saying I have never called out asking
Him "Why?" That is only human nature and I am sure God understands
our anguish; after all Jesus called out as He hung on the cross, " My
God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?"
I've always taken my circumstances pretty much in stride. I've cried
of course and wished things were different. I've mourned for the way
things use to be, but I've gone on the best that I could, doing most
of the things that I wanted using first one aide and then another.
I've been down and depressed at times, I can't deny that. I've been
scared to death of what tomorrow might hold and I still have those
fears to this day. My biggest fear is that I may become a burden to
my love ones. I fear to some extent I already have. Being a very
independent person before my illness, dependence on another has
always been my biggest concern.
Through the years I have had some bad times; I've seen more and more of
my abilities wane from me. MS has tried to suck the very essences of
who I am. I have lived with numbness for years; I have experienced
blurred and double vision. Pain has been a part of my persona and
medications has almost doubled my size. Medicines have weakened my
bones; falls have resulted in painful breaks. My unsteady walk gave
in to the use of a cane, then two canes, then a wheelchair on
occasions, then to the full time use of a three wheel motorized
scooter. I no longer drive a car and depend on others to take me to
the places I want to go. I have been so tired and weak at times I
just wanted to die. Besides physical problems I have experienced
family problems, financial and business problems. Like everyone else
I have faced my share of adversities.
My husband and family have always been there for me, yet they have
not always understood. The doctors even do not realize the extent of
difficulties and suffering MS people deal with. Through all of my
hardships and trials though, there has always been someone beside me
that I could count on, that is Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. He
knows of my afflictions, He suffered far more than I. He realizes my
distress when others fail to understand, for He too was misunderstood.
I have prayed for God to keep me on my feet; I didn't have to resort
to my three-wheel scooter until my children were all raised, that was
a blessing and an answer to prayer. I have prayed for a healing; I've
prayed for the ability to rise above this disease to endure it, to
witness in spite of it. I have asked Him time and time again, "How can
you use me in the condition I'm in?" It was then that He directed me
to this passage in the Bible:
2 Corinthians Chapter 12 verses 7 through 10 in the Living Bible, it
reads: Because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was
afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical
condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan
to hurt and bother me, and prick my pride. Three times I begged God to
make me well again.
Each time he said, No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My
power shows up best in weak people. Now I am glad to boast about how
weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ power,
instead of showing off my own power and abilities. Since I know it is
all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about insults and hardships,
persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong --
the less I have, the more I depend on him.
I am no saint, just ask my husband! But because of Christ in my life
and His walking beside me, carrying me at times, I'm able to hold my
head high and continue on. I have not always been someone God could
be proud of; I've not always been proud of myself. But because of
God's goodness and His love and forgiveness and His strength I can
face whatever may lie before me. I pray that through the sickness I
must endure and the weakness that grips me, that He may be seen in my
spirit and that the love I have for Him may spill over to those my
life touches. For without Him I am nothing; with Him I am everything
He wants me to be. When I am weak, then He is strong; the less I
have, the more I depend on Him. My prayer now is, "God use me in
whatever condition I'm in."
[ Betty King, copyright © 2001 (firstname.lastname@example.org) -- from Heartwarmers ]
All Rights Reserved.