Lady on a exercise bike.

'Tis the Month After Christmas

ďNew Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.Ē  Mark Twain

        ĎTis the month after Christmas, and even my blouse
        Is straining to fit me, and I feel like a louse.
        Those cookies I nibbled, that turkey I tasted
        The pies that upon my thighs now look pasted.

        The wine and the cheese, the cookies so merry
        The rum cake I swallowed, yes, even the cherry.
        All the festive food that passed through my lips
        Seems to have made its way straight to my hips.

        When I stepped on the scale, I was just shocked to find
        The number appearing there was very unkind.
        So I thought and I thought, seeking a solution
        And then it hit me Ė I need a New Yearís resolution!

        A vow is required, a promise long-lasting
        To exercise this body that sure ainít been fasting.
        I am chubby and plump, not at all my old self
        But I know I can do it, if I just get some help.

        So Iím off to the gym as soon as Iím able
        Iím going to build all my muscles, make my stomach like a table.
        My arms how theyíll pump up, my legs how theyíll tone,
        My backside will tighten, no matter how much I moan.

        Oh, I know it wonít be easy to whip this figure into shape
        But itís better than covering my form with a cape.
        And come summertime, when weíve reached swimsuit season
        Iíll know that I did all the hard work for a reason.

        Now some may express just a wee bit of doubt
        That Iíll stick to my promise, that Iíll work myself out.
        There are skeptics among us, those crabby old tokens
        Who point out that resolutions are usually broken.

        They try to be downers and make a strong case
        That New Yearís intentions end up paving a warm place.
        But I still believe, still expect muscles sore
        After all, isnít that what January is for?

~ Jackie Papandrew ~
Copyright © 2011
All Rights Reserved

Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at:

[ by Jackie Papandrew Copyright © 2011, ( -- submitted by: Jackie Papandrew ]

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