(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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PEACE AND QUIET

Little Johnny ran up to his Uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again -- what do you want for Christmas?"

The Uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some 'peace and quiet.'"

Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're out of it!"
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CHRISTMAS -- NEW PERSPECTIVE

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents:

"I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."
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WAKE UP

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom?" "I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old.   And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
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MORNING COFFEE

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in her cup.

She asked, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
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LISTENING WITH YOUR HEART

A youngster drew a Christmas scene that showed Santa, sleigh and reindeer. There were the regular eight and Rudolph plus a strange looking tenth animal. The addition looked like a cross between a reindeer and a cow with a green nose.

The youngster explained that it was . . . "Olive, the udder reindeer."

Translation -- for those that need it . . . . "All of the other reindeer."
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METRONOME

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...'?"
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FREE HAMBURGERS FOR LIFE?

I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonalds for dinner one evening for a "guy night." As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our back yard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
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PREGNANT FIREMAN?

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"I sure do," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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SPECIAL INGREDIENT -- LOVE

I was making my special Hanukkah cookies with my nephew. After the cookies were already baking in the oven, he ran to me with a total panic on his face: "You forgot your special ingredient!"

"What is that? I inquired, knowing that I didn't forget anything despite all the 'help' I got from him. "Love! I didn't see you put in love!" he declared in despair. I had to assure him that I sneaked it in while he wasn't looking....
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IN THE BEGINNING GOD....

Boy : "Mom, who made the moon?"
Mother : "God made the moon."

Boy : "Well, then who made the stars?"
Mother : "God made the stars too."

Boy : "And who made the trees?"
Mother : "God made the trees too, son."
The little boy was obviously becoming more and more frustrated with the same answer.

Boy : "Well, all I want to know is, doesn't Jesus ever do anything?"
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SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
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EMPTY HEAD?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, students, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," they said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little boy shouted, "'Cause 'yer feet ain't empty."
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LIFE'S ECHO

A son and his father were walking in the mountains. Suddenly, the son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Curious, he yells: "Who are you?" He receives the answer: "Who are you?" Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!" He receives the answer: "Coward!"

He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?" The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention." And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!" The voice answers: "I admire you!" Again the man screams: "You are a champion!" The voice answers: "You are a champion!"

The boy is surprised, but does not understand. Then the father explains: "People call this an ECHO, but really this is LIFE. It gives you back everything you say or do.

Our life is simply a reflection of our actions. If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart. If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence. This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life; Life will give you back everything you have given to it.

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.   IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!
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CHECK-IT-OUT

A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something....

"Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at your living room rug?"

The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie. Come on in. It's right over here."

The little girl stared at the rug for several minutes. Then she turned to Mrs. Johnston and said unabashedly, "Well, It doesn't make ME sick."
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HOW OLD?

Little Johnny's mother was becoming worried. She hadn't seen her neighbor, Mrs. Goldbloom in days. Fearing the old widow may have had an accident, she decided to send Johnny next door to check up on her. "Johnny, would you go next door and see how 'old' Mrs. Goldbloom is?"

"Sure Mom" he said running out the door.

A few minutes later, Johnny returned.

"Well," asked Johnny's mom, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said it's none of your business how 'old' she is."

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COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS?

A little boy asked his father what was the highest number he had ever counted. Replying that he didn't know, the father asked his son his highest number. It was 973.

"Why did you stop there?"

"Because church was over."
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EARTH SCIENCE CLASS

The teacher of the earth science class, Miss Merc, was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
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UGLY FACES

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."
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YOU WANTED CHILDERN?

Mother: "Son, have you given the goldfish fresh water today?"

Son: "No, they haven’t finished what I gave them yesterday."
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CHECK THE LABEL

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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