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(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)


Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

"That's what I did."

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little boy produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.

Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

The church junior choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers.

Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.

Business boomed!

Lillie Goering from Kansas writes: "When our daughter Judy was only three, we were shopping for clothes in Innes department store in Wichita. Innes was an elite store that had many mirrors.

Judy became fascinated with the many little girls, and moved from one mirror to another.

Finally in desperation, she looked in a mirror and said: "You come out, I just can't get in!"

Christian, a little over two, enjoys all kinds of stories read to him and recently his mom and dad were reading a child's version of The Wizard of Oz. He likes it so much he has the book memorized.

One day he was sitting crouched under a chair. His mother said, "Oh, you look like a lion in there."

Christian didn't miss a beat: "Yes, and I need some courage."

Julie Burns from Richmond, Indiana, said that one day she was concentrating hard on something and her brow was furrowed.

Her five year old daughter said, "Oh Mommy, don't do that. You look like all those people at church!"

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now."

For weeks, a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears, and said: "I think Mommy ate it!"

A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service. "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them. Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary." "That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?"

There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there was going to be a quiz. Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced: "I know. It's Virg."

"You know," she said, "Virg and Mary."

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly...
* We three kings of porridge and tar...
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me...
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire...
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice...
* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel...
* With the jelly toast proclaim...
* Olive, the other reindeer...
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say...
* Sleep in heavenly peas...
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown...
* You'll go down in listerine...
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay...
* Come, froggy faithful...
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"...
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid...

Mother asks little Edward, "What would you like for Christmas?"

Little Eddie says, "I'd like a baby brother."

Mother smiles at him, kisses him on the cheek and says, "I'm afraid there aren't enough shopping days left."

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.

The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord.

One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other, and the dad shot the mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all.

She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church.

On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her.

The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, "Does anyone know who this is?"

The little girl said,

"I do -- that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died."

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.

She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen.

A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

It was Sunday school during the Christmas season, and the teacher asked the class, "Who came to Bethlehem?"

"The three kings came," said little Margaret.

"The shepherds came," said little Norma.

"The donkey came," said little Grace.

Little Joey raised his hand and said, "Then the stork came."

Little Johnny asks his mother where children come from, and she said: "The doctor brings them."

Satisfied, Johnny goes out to play with his friend Willy. As they play, two beautiful little girls walk by. Willy asks, "Who are they?"

Johnny says, "They're the doctor's kids. He must keep the best ones for himself."

I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what!
I get to be a mini-van!"

Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]

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