(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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TOUGH SCHOOL DAY

My Granddaughter Christina came home from school the other day worn to a frazzle.

It seems the computers went down, and she had to write all afternoon.
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WELL-ROUNDED

I had just enrolled in macrame and exercise classes at our community college, and also in a crafts class at church. Feeling smug about my newly planned activities, I said to my son, "You're going to have a well-rounded mother."

Putting a comforting arm around my shoulder, he replied, "Don't worry, Mom. Those exercise classes should help."
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A PINCH

Jane was racing around the porch with the neighbor's young son close at her heels. "Why are you chasing her?" Jane's father asked.

"She pinched me," he replied.

The father turned to Jane, "Why did you pinch him?"

Grinning, she whispered to her father, "So he would chase me."
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THE FLAG TOO?

While Teaching fourth and fifth-graders American history, I asked who sewed the first American flag?

A child in the back of the classroom spoke up, "Martha Stewart?"
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OWN ROOM

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
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GOD'S HELPER

The local parish priest was making a visit to a family in the neighborhood. He knocked on the door, and a little 4-year-old boy answered the door.

The child, recognizing the priest, yells to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
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DISTRACTED LEMONS

My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was "not made from concentrate" she asked me what that meant.

I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.

While my wife was shaking her head in disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, "That must be why they got caught."
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ADULTERY

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant.

With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."
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POSSIBLE

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "A fireman," "A teacher."

Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied. "Possible?" asked the teacher. "Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm 'impossible'." "So when I get to be big, I want to be 'possible'."
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GOD'S ART

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air.

"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - 'Our Father, who does 'art' in Heaven. . ."
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KID SMARTS

We were seated at the dinner table, my wife, my daughter Bette (about 7), my son "Jimbo" (about 4), and myself.

All during dinner, my wife and I had noticed how well the kids were getting along that night -- none of the usual bickering, picking at each other.

As we were just about finished eating, my son suddenly said, "I love Bette! When I grow up, I'm gonna marry her!"

Well, my mind started spinning! I thought, "Oh no, how am I gonna explain this to a 4-year-old?"

Just then Bette, with all the childlike simplicity that only a 7-year-old possesses, saved the day by saying, "Oh no, we couldn't do that, Jimbo! Cause then our kids would only have one set of grandparents!"
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MOTHERLY ADVICE

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
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FROM DUST TO DUST

On the way home from Church, little Ethan asked his mother, "Are we really made of dust?" "Yes we are," she answered".

"Do we really return to dust again when we die?" "Yes, that is what the Scriptures say."

"Well, mom", said Ethan, " Last night when I said my prayers, I looked under my bed, and somebody under there is either coming or going."
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HOW TO KEEP YOUR SANITY

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.

She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen.

A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
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HAIR RAISING TALE

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
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ONLY CHILD

Little Benny came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"
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TALKS TOO MUCH

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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KID'S FREE

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
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LOGIC

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and says, "To draw out all his savings?"
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GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."

The boy said: "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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