(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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HAPPIEST DAY?

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
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COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.

"Then why are you checking it out?"

"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting moths last month!"
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PSYCHOLOGY

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

She posed this question to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the class raised his hand and said earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
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SURPRISE, MOMMY

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy 'gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"
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NUMBERS

The teacher asked a little boy if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.
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A MOTHER?

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other things that contained iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy raised his hand and said, "You're a Mother!"
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SPEEDING CALF?

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed boy. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
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YOU ASKED

My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit.

When my mother picked out a yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.

My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty -- just like a big yellow school bus."

The suit stayed in the dressing room.
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NAMES

A pregnant woman was in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant, and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your 'kid brother' came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my little brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."
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ALPHABETICAL ORDER

It was her first day in the classroom, and the teacher was a little tense and excited to say the least when she asked, "Class, who can count to ten in alphabetical order?"

For a few seconds, a calm came over the class before a small hand in the back of the room shot up.

"Yes, Andrew, can you count to ten in alphabetical order?"

Andrew said, "Eight, five, four, nine, one, seven, six, ten, three, two."
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BRAGGING RIGHTS

At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.

"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
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FAMOUS?

Child to mother: "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous."

Mother: "Really?"

Child: "She said all I have to do is mess-up one more time and I'm history!"
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PUBLIC HOUSING

My daughter surprised me with a beautiful golden retriever. The owner of the kennel said, "Who will the owner be?"

She said she wanted to keep it a secret.

Well, the owner wanted to know if the dog would have a good home. So she told him the people lived in a big white house with a fence around it.

The kennel owner asked if they owned or rented. She replied, "I guess you'd call it public housing." ~~(Gerald Ford)
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FLASHLIGHT

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast 'ya carry the flashlight."
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STRAWBERRIES

A farmer was driving slowly along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy told him. "We put sugar and cream on our strawberries."
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DECISSIONS

Ellie: "Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

Alisse: "Did you give it back?"

Ellie: "Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."
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DOLL

Little Nancy wailed over her doll, crushed by car tires when her mother had backed over it.

Finally, her mother had heard enough, "Don't come crying to me. I told you not to leave it on the porch!"
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MIRROR, MIRROR...

The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, my child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake."
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HELPING HAND

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
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WEARING OUT

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out."
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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