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(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)


Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Teri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

After trying for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled, "GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said, "You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?"

Jill was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing?

Jill pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said,

"Depress button for ice."

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the priest delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."

...At which point a young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.

As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My dad says you're the 'poorest' preacher we've ever had, and I want to help you."

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"


"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"


"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

A little girl was running to church, wearing her new dress. She kept praying on the way, "Don't make me late Lord. Don't make me late Lord."

As she was crossing the street she tripped and fell, which ripped her new dress and got her dirty too. Then she prayed, "Don't make me late, Lord, but don't push either!"

A piano teacher told a problem student:

"If you don't behave, I'm going to tell your parents you have real talent!"

Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."

Knowing he preferred heavy metal rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"

"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
23rd PSALM

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like 'Shirley' following me around all the time."

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

A boy came home from school with a zero on his paper. "Why did you get a zero?" his mother asked.

"That's not a zero!" the boy answered. "My teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon."

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified.

She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"

Little Tina's hands were filthy. Her mother said, "Come upstairs with me and we'll wash your hands."

Tina said, "I don't want to go upstairs."

Grandma said, "Why can't she wash her hands in the kitchen?"

"Because I want her upstairs."

Tina turned to her mother and said, "Don't you ever listen to your mother?"

A father had his 5 children sit in a circle with him on the floor. He then placed a toy he had won as a door prize in the center of the circle, and said he wanted to give it to the most obedient child.

He then asked them "who is the most obedient?" There was no response from any of the children.

Sensing that they didn't understand what "obedient" meant he then asked, "who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. Okay, "you win!" exclaimed the child.

During a special blessing ceremony, the priest walked down the aisle, flinging holy water over the congregation.

A small child standing near the end of a pew said in a in a voice that could be heard across a noisy playground, "Mommy he threw water on me!"

The laughter started with a giggle or two, then spread quickly across the congregation, before it erupted into out and out laughing.

A preacher was telling his Bible class the story of the Prodigal Son. After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.

"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.

"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."

It was a bitterly cold day, and a young boy was shivering on the sidewalk. His clothes were ragged, his shoes had holes in them, and he had no coat at all. A woman noticed the boy and took pity on him.

"Are you lost?" she asked. "Where are your parents?" The boy shook his head and shrugged.

She took him to a clothing store and bought him a complete set of clothing, including shoes, coat, mittens and a cap. Then they ate lunch at a nearby McDonald's, while she wondered how to make sure he *had* a home to go to.

The youngster was overjoyed at all this, and as he finished his milkshake he asked, "Are you God's mother?"

The gentle woman smiled and answered, "Oh, no! I'm just a child of God."

The boy said, "I knew you had to be related to HIM!"

When my son was six years old, he became quite fascinated with baptism and quizzed my wife one day after church about it.

She explained that the people baptized that day were created by God, and are God's children. "The children of God are everywhere!" she exclaimed.

With a puzzled look he asked, "Then where are all the ADULTS of God?"

Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]

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