(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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WHERE DID I COME FROM?

One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"

My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.

When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."

[Pastor Tim]
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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my shepherd... and that's all I need to know!"

[Colorado Comments]
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AFTER CHRISTMAS

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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DALMATIANS

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

"I know!" said a third . . .

"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

[LABLaughs]
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SWALLOWED A PENNY

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.

He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched the penny from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[LABLaughs]
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TO CHURCH

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:

"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

[Cartoons O' The Day]
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CHEMISTRY EXPERIMENT

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[LABLaughs]
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MOM . . .

One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay.

It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.

It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"Mom . . . when you're driving," she asked, "are 'YOU' ever the idiot?"

[Pastor Tim]
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ALL IN THE NAME

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

[Aiken Drum]
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MOTHERHOOD

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your pjs, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered . . . . "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

[Colorado Comments]
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BROKEN DOLL

Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

[Thomas S. Ellsworth (tellswor@slonet.org)]
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NEW COMMUNICATION

When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.

One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times.

"I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."

[Colorado Comments]
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SEAT BELT

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked me, "Single click or double click?"

[Pastor Tim]
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GOD ISN'T DEAF

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW COMPUTER . . ."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[Colorado Comments]
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CHEAP FLOWERS

A teenage boy was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl friend. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with his head lowered and an evil look in his eye.

Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe?"

To which the farmer shouted back, "Fer sure the bull is safe! Can't say the same about you, though!"

[LABLaughs]
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SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. So, Mom asked him what the morning's Sunday school lesson was about?

He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."

[Pastor Tim]
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POOR PREACHER

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

[andychaps_the-funnies]
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SISTER'S DATE

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

[Arizona Humor]
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I CAN'T HEAR YOU

A college student was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. "I need to borrow two hundred dollars," he says.

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly."

The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"

[Colorado Comments]
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WORD LISTENING

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me.

He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and."

After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, "Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

[Pastor Tim]
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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